My Higher Power is John Stamos
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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