The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
