She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
