You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
