I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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