still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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