So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
