If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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