saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize