I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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