so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
