my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My ATM looks so different sober.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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