I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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