I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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