I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
