I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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