if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
