i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I deserve this hangover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
