Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
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