You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
