just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize