did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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