im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
