Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
