I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
