wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
