They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
