I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
