What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
