I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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