I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
