oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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