if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
