He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Gay?
German.
Pity.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
