i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
