Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
