either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
