I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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