So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize