I CAN MOONWALK!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
