And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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