Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
