my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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