i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
