I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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