and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
