he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is wine microwaveable?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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