My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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