omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
