i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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