not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
