We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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