My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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