woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
