How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize