just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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