I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
