I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
