If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
