did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
