Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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