I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize