did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
