I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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